No, but your face is!
Ah, a classic line from a classic movie. I came across the movie 'Valley Girl' tonight, a favorite of mine when I was a teenager. The film is littered with quotes that could only be from the confluence of 80's cinema and Nic Cage. And for some reason, it reminded me of Jane. Could have been the opposite-sides-of-the-tracks-but-love-conquers-all ending for Randy and Julie, or the California backdrop, or even Nic and his squeeze frolicking on the beach.
You would think that there would now be a nice segue into something about how Jane and I were different, and how our love should have conquered all the things about which I have been waxing poetic (not necessarily the eloquent part of it, but definitely the verbose): timing, emotions, needs, growth, bandwidth, etc. But that all seems to be background noise. A nice and soft blanket covering the basic truth. And the truth is that I fucked up. Plain and simple. I let an amazing girl get away when there were things that I could have done to change the direction of our train.
Knowing that fact is strangely comforting. Maybe it is because I am learning to accept control of my life, and not worrying about controlling anything beyond that. Yet it still leaves me feeling wistful, wishing Jane and I were wading, nay, soaring though life together. My being part of her journey and she part of mine. From time to time, my heart desires for Jane to reach out to me, so I can relay the same message that Randy's does in his responses to Julie after he asks her to leave the party with him, "Where do you want to go? Anywhere. What do you want to do? I don't care." And it is difficult to hold back and not reach out to her. But I have been there, done that too many times in the months following our breakup. It would not mean anything now.
So I will settle for a little homage to Jane by completing a exercise that she taught me as a way to appreciate life and yourself: listing three things today that made me happy and three things that made me, well, me.
---The three things that made me happy: 1) making cornbread pancakes for dinner, 2) having my older son come crawl up on to my lap of his own volition, and 3) walking inside a warm shop to grab some coffee after being freezing outside.
---The three things that made me me: 1) having three subway cards in my wallet and gambling on which one has any money on it (I won today!), 2) unpacking toys from one beat-up box and repacking them in a only slightly more sturdy box when I have a whole night of packing ahead of me, and 3) writing about Jane after posting that I was not going to only 3 weeks earlier.
And, in line with Randy and Julie's overcoming their opposing worlds, here is a nonsense poem (aka children's rhyme) that my mom recited to my boys over the holidays. Not sure of the origin (seems to be folklore), but it tweaks the brain in a good way. Enjoy.
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye.
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!