...Ain't it a crying shame? I’m so tired. God Dammit I'm exhausted!
Ah, the illustrious Madeline Kahn. This little song from Blazing Saddles encapsulates how I feel right now. My days have been consumed with the same pattern for weeks now: Work, Parenting, Packing. Sleep (sort of). Rinse and repeat. This pattern is physical and tiring, which makes my emotions even more raw and exhausting. I thought to write about the stripping down of my self-identities this week, addressing the classic ‘who,’ or better yet, ‘what am I’ dilemma and the feeling of extreme vulnerability that comes with it.
Yet I have realized that stream of thought writing about my doldrums right now has not helped me like I thought it would. In some ways, it has done the opposite. All roads have lead back to my missing Jane, and a continued bewilderment at how quickly she so thoroughly extricated herself from my life, leaving me feeling like a stranger to her, frustrated and forlorn, lost and lovelorn, heartbroken, tired and...just tired. Oh, so very tired.
So my plan for this blog is to reevaluate what I want to write about and how I want to write it. For now, in place of my meanderings, and to keep some semblance of a posting pattern, I am going to instead upload some poetry. I will start off with a piece that a friend wrote years ago and just recently shared with me.
The heart is a sail by Attack of Nothing
The heart is a sail
that opens wider than one eye can see
that wavers in uncertain wind
that rebelliously pulls the ship
against all currents and any reason
It fights against any man and all men
yet collapses into a small space wrapped tightly against itself
and reaches out again to hold as much wind and sky and motion as possible
and strains with the effort
the more silently the greater the effort