...let's see where this takes us.
I have realized recently that I needed a healthier outlet for my thoughts and emotions than releasing them unfettered on my family, friends, and most recently ex-girlfriend. The prefix on the latter occurred recently, but seemingly resulted from this new emotional journey I started almost a year ago that has left me at times an emotional ball of fire. And the last two weeks between the cusp of our break-up and present day took that ball and magnified to sun-like proportions.
Kind of like my 5-year-old on a daily basis. And not always someone an 41-year-old man strives to be compared to...which I was...by the aforementioned ex-girlfriend (who I will call Jane. Ms. Austin if you're nasty). And the ironic part is that she was totally on target.
There exists a bunch of background leading up to this present state of being, all starting back in 2011. Well, much before then, but that will be the point of reference I will use for this beginning post, as well as other stories, anecdotes, and really whatever I feel I want to write when I sit down.
I hope to find this a healthy outlet for me, and maybe provide some positive feelings for those who have had similar experiences, and maybe just offer some enjoyable reading for those who need a break from their lives. Humans apparently need to connect with others - at least that is what my therapist and the multiple wellness books I have been reading say.
For now, let me exit with a poem I wrote in the middle of the night a few nights ago when over-analyzing a text I sent to Jane the day before. And then proceeded to send it to her along with a email that tried to explain my feelings. Which I had already done many times in the weeks before. Yep, as I write this, I am shaking my head.
Does it seem surprising not more adult females are attracted to a adult male who has the current emotional outlet of a 5-year-old boy? Yeah, didn't think so.
Do Not Hit Send by Mike Hughes
Do not hit send, oh please do not,
Remember you've got to not make it worse.
Crap, the curse of my groggy head,
As I lay in bed and reason leaves.
My heart grieves and needs release,
So to find peace I hit send.
And as the poem wends through the cloud,
it is spoken out loud as the next words are read.
In the dead of the night,
I lay in mourning at what might have been.
Feeling sorrow not so sweet akin to death,
Missing her warm body and her breath so near.
Remembering nothing so dear as her snoring,
Or the earthy smell of her hair soaring through my senses,
Releasing any pretenses of inhibition.
The vulnerability of her position seeming innocent and pure,
More than enough to lure me deeper into her arms.
And when she wakes her charms readily apprise,
That I am bewitched by her sunrise smile.
So we would lay for a while in the midst of our lovelust,
Forgetting all things that just did not matter.
Focusing on the patter of our hearts,
All of our entangled parts wanting to stay entangled.
It is then my mangled mind comes to,
And I remember we are through with us as we were.
Suddenly the purity feels unpure as I again am alone,
And she is gone from my life.
Cut from me like a knife cuts a string,
And I nurse the sting of my solitude.
As my mood and thoughts continue to mill,
In the still of the night.
Now hoping these words might not have been read,
My heart filled with dread at what feelings they would provoke.
So my mind spoke to me again as if to repeat,
You should have hit delete, but definitely not send.